Mirror, Mirror

The two kinds of work, shadow and mirror, bring different challenges to us throughout our seeking lives. Do we escape the real world to search our inner selves through the work of the shadow? Or do we use our relationships and interactions to explore the mirror? Each can certainly benefit us. The biggest difference between the two is that shadow work is mostly done alone and mirror work, like it or not, has to be done within the self through reflections gleaned from others.

Shadow work is tough. That’s when a person decides to explore the dark parts of the self, the part that gets in the way when things don’t go smoothly or the parts that trip us when things are going well. Shadow work, the way I have understood it, takes place by choice. I picture a deep, dark cavern within the self. That cavern has been safely closed off for years. The cavern sometimes has a loose stone or something else that alerts you then tells you, “Hey there’s something in there!” We dodge the opening, we bump into the wall from time to time but we dare not go inside because it’s dark and scary! So we avoid it.

  After some time, years, decades perhaps, we decide to see what it is that is inside. So we get our heavy duty flashlight and we step barely inside. Or perhaps we push the cover of the opening aside. If it’s boarded up, we might remove the boards one at a time, at our own will. When we tire of it, we leave it. Even removing a single board can be exhausting. And with the removal, sometimes it’s more like an avalanche; the cavern’s contents to come spilling out.

So as the days, weeks, months, years go by, we stop from time to time and peer inside. Again, when we feel the time is right, we get the flashlight. The thing about shadow work is that with the flashlight, we see things, scary things. But if we don’t like what we see, we don’t have to look at them. We can take the flashlight away and convince ourselves there is nothing there to fear. And that might work for a while. Then if it’s a big monster, there is always the chance that our blinding light awakened it and if that’s the case, we will never be the same. That big monster will not go back to sleep!

  Through shadow work, we take our time, illuminating each corner and crevice at our own pace. We can spend as much time as we like carefully unpacking the contents of each and every box we find stowed within its walls. It’s a lovely, opening experience. And as the cavern glows with luminosity, we can smile and warm to its objective of having kept all this safe all those years. We then begin to enjoy going into the cavern to explore and reminisce. We are careful to throw out that which no longer serves us, that which is too painful to keep. We are free to wrap and box up the things that might be dangerous but that we are inclined to collect for whatever reasons.

It’s very nice to explore our own caverns through shadow work.

  But the mirror?

  Wow. As we all know, relationships act as mirrors in our lives. They reflect back to us the faults and weaknesses, the areas in need of improvement. And as both gazers and holders, we have a dual job: hold the mirror up for the other person, and look around the mirror we hold, into the one our partner holds.

  This is different from shadow work in so many ways. Unlike the shadow, we have no choice when we get the reflection or when we suddenly find ourselves hoisting up some colossal mirror that seems like it’s from ancient castles. Other times, it’s a small, compact mirror that simply flashes up the reflection and then is put away for another time.

  Sometimes, we are moving right along in our routine we call life and as we round a corner, this huge thing is in our path. It halts our progress and we are stuck peering into some monster—oh wait, that’s me!

  Other times, we feel like we are the punching bag of a verbal tirade from our partners and just when we almost buy into what he or she is saying, we realize we are trying with all that we are to hold this mirror so he or she can properly see who is being fussed at. As we walk away from the conversation, we almost accept that it is us who is lacking in integrity, who is not forthright, who is somehow deficient then as we create space, the lights come on. What we realize is that it is muscle tension from holding the mirror. We rub our shoulders, sit and contemplate for a few minutes and we realize the words the other person uttered were not at us after all.

  And here is a good time to remind ourselves that we play roles in life. One of our best roles is that of mirror holder. It’s an imperative job, one that we truly cannot avoid. Our mates do not always like the mirror holder! And regardless of how often we think we hold the mirror, the mate holds it just as much.

  This applies to so much more than partner relationships. This applies to parent-child, friend-friend relationships as well. These people came into our lives for reasons of growth and evolution; it is up to us to figure out what needs to be healed.

  Sometimes we want to turn our backs on what the mirror holds for us. We want to believe with all that we are that that couldn’t possibly be an accurate depiction of us. We often want to escape the idea that we are one intricately connected universe of energy and thought and that the people in our lives are actually there for a purpose. We would rather fall back into former thought that our lives are individual, dual in nature. We would rather believe we are masters of control and power.

When we least suspect it, in the middle of a disagreement, we get that very quick flash of light that is reflected from someplace far away. It blinds us momentarily, long enough to stop our riddling of words toward someone we love and respect. We turn to find the origin and instead, we see a sliver of a mirror showing a very small piece of ourselves. And behind that mirror is the person we thought we were angry with, holding it ever so gently, while we scream and yell.

  At this point, we remember who we are and who we were meant to be.

  Yes, I will say that today, my vote is that mirror work is a greater challenge than shadow work. Shadow is invited and made to feel safe and comfortable while we get to know it. Mirror work on the other hand, can cause casualties of unsuspecting people on the course for understanding. 

May we all have the strength to peer into and accept what we see reflected back to us. And may we each have the wisdom to realize when we are holding the mirror for someone else, and know that we are doing so.

  Mirror, mirror on the wall …